What if we could create the perfect athlete, using the attributes of those who’ve passed through town in the past 25 years? Here’s my Philadelphia Frankenstein:
Left arm—Cole Hamels:Almost 2,000 quality innings over 10 seasons. Second only to Steve Carlton as the franchise’s top lefty.
Right arm— Randall Cunningham:The release was way too slow. But, given time, he could hit Mike Quick 60 yards downfield.
Hands —Jimmy Rollins: Averaged just eight errors a season, and earned four Gold Gloves, during the Phils great run.
Fists—Bernard Hopkins:He’s more of a technician than a brawler, but I still can’t think of anyone I’d less rather have punch me.
Knuckles — Donald Brashear: The last fearsome fighter in orange-and-black. Remember Tie Domi hiding behind the linesman?
Fingers — Dikembe Mutombo: We all imitated the finger waggle. The guy’s digits resembled yardsticks.
Wrists — Chase Utley:He’s shot now, but in his prime he could flick those wrists and drive the ball out of the park. Especially Shea Stadium.
Hair —Nerlens Noel: He’s 6-foot-11, and the flattop makes him about 7-foot-4. Nice tribute to Fresh Prince.
Eyes —Brian Westbrook:The little guy could find a hole the size of the eye of a needle among all those 300-pound linemen.
Nose —Rod Brind’ Amour:That thing bent in six different directions. Still, women loved him.
Mustache —Andy Reid:That big red paintbrush.
Beard — Jayson Werth:Not enough competition in this department. Werth really let it go that one year he tried out for ZZ Top.
Mouth — Curt Schilling:Sometimes incisive, sometimes inane. Never boring.
Brains —Chip Kelly: The proverbial smartest guy in the room. And all you Sam Hinkie sycophants can sit down.
Abs —Terrell Owens:Those crunches in the driveway weren’t for nothing.
Belly —Ken Hitchcock:A smart coach whom players cited as an example that not all fat men are jolly.
Rear End —Jaromir Jagr:All that skating power derived from those glutes. I’ll always wish he’d stayed here longer.
Left leg — David Akers.
Right leg —Cody Parkey. Or Heather Mitts.
Feet —Lesean McCoy:Changed direction better than anyone since Barry Sanders. Sorry to see it end ugly.
Forelocks —Smarty Jones:I’m not really sure what a forelock is, to be honest.
Thighs —Roy Halladay:It was his great push off the mound that made him perfect.
Ears —Donovan McNabb: He heard every word of criticism, even when whispered.
Jaw —Eric Lindros:Not really. I just wanted to get him on this list. Alas, his jaw was made of glass. The ultimate “what could have been” in Philadelphia sports.
Heart —Brian Dawkins:Give him the nod for soul, as well.
Pituitary Gland —Shawn Bradley:If he only had a heart.
Balls —Allen Iverson:Would drive into the land of seven-footers to put up a feathery layup, take a huge hit and then do it again.
Spleen —Larry Bowa: Tamer now, but, man he could spit venom.
Asshole— Norman Braman:Enough said.