Halloween: A national sex holiday

As “Mean Girls” so eloquently articulated, Halloween is – for teens and adults – often an excuse to dip a toe into the pool of sexual fantasy and dress as promiscuously as possible without incurring judgment. And as far as personals go, it’s probably the only time you’ll be able to read about a Xanadu roller skater pining for Teddy Roosevelt.

But on Craigslist, people tend to take the holiday beyond sexually-charged masquerade with Halloween gang bangs, orgies, experimentation and roleplaying. Every costume-driven fantasy goes into overdrive, and those who have dress-up fetishes year-round really let their freak flags fly.

I’d venture that Halloween is the closet thing to a widely-celebrated sex holiday in this country. Otherwise-vanilla women turn into sex kittens, seemingly-ordinary couples host nookie parties and goth fetishists let it all hang out.

Halloween never scared me before, but after reading these posts, I have to say: it truly is frightening.

Halloween-as-girl-slut-night, Exhibit A:

And Exhibit B:

You’re about ten years late on that “trend.” Appreciate the visual, though.

From my highly-scientific study (e.g. reading a bunch of Craigslist posts), it seems that suburban couples use Halloween to let off steam once a year – look at all these “mischievous” sex parties!

And you each refer to yourself in the third person. How charming.

FYI: Posting on Craigslist is not particularly discreet.

Where there are women (or men) willing to dress as sluts, men attempting to make them act like sluts are never far behind.

I love a punny holiday sex solicitation. Tricks, treats, candy references … the Halloween possibilities are endless.

Oh, so you think posting candy photos will attract the big girls?

I’m a little unclear on this: what adjective best describes your desired encounter? It’s not “naughty,” by any chance, is it?

I can understand not wanting to spend Christmas or New Years alone, but Halloween?

Oh, it’s because Halloween is his life year-round. Makes a little more sense. Or less sense, depending on how you look at it.

At least his standards are realistic: all he wants is a “real woman.” Guess he’s sick of latex.

Your offer of money in exchange for sex is not nearly as subtle as you seem to think. 200 piece$ of candy? Really?

Why on Earth would you bring an escort to a haunted house? Are you that afraid of the dark?

I mean, a BIG red flag should be raised when a dude considers a haunted house foreplay.

Red flag no. two: cemeteries as a turn-on. A field of buried rotting people should NOT get a person worked up.

Isn’t 8 a.m. a tad early for a whore parade?

Is it normal for “professional” photogs to pay in pot? (Though this guy wants to pour milk over a costumed girl in his bathtub, so I guess all norms are out the window here).

What you’re “jussaying” is that you can’t afford a Halloween costume. Also, you know that vampires aren’t real, right?

So you’re basically looking for a free North Face coat.

Like, really trying to get that North Face coat.

Damn, people in this city really are broke!

“Halloween” seems to translate into “group sex” for a disturbing number of people.

Let me guess: you just happened to have those whips and chains lying around?

Because if you need to borrow anything, this guy seems well-equipped.

I feel like someone performing sex acts in a dark room while wearing a Halloween mask would be deeply disturbing.

But this guy apparently feels the polar opposite.

I’m guessing that this man reads a lot of comic books.

I blame True Blood.

I thought vampires drank blood, not booze.

The Halloween missed connections are positively virginal in comparison to the above.

Who did you guys dress as, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin? You seem to have a similar command of the English language.

She’s pretty and she has a sense of humor, but all you can think about is what happened to the toilet paper on her shoe?

You should’ve gone as an apostrophe. Because you clearly need more of them in your life.

I am in love with this visual. Dance on, Asics-wearing Spiderman, dance on.

Given that it was Finnegan’s Wake, I would guess shamrock-shaped glowsticks or some sort of plastic beads.

It takes real skill to be this offensive and this complimentary at the same time. Starfucks is a nice touch, though.

Isn’t that just like Teddy Roosevelt? What a heartbreaker.

Best geek pickup line ever.

Good point. But there’s always body paint.

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