MegaMillions Mania has captivated the country. The $540 million lottery goes off Friday night, as you’ve probably noticed by scanning your friends’ Facebook statuses.
Here’s what we would do if our numbers match those balls:
» Buy the Phillie Phanatic. We’re not just talking about the costume here, we want the whole enchilada, our own personal Phanatic to entertain us at kids’ parties, to play beer pong with and to hold us when Chase Utley’s knees fall off.
» Bye, bye Roger. NFL commish Roger Goodell makes an estimated $20 million a year and recently inked a five-year extension. We’d buy him out and take back the NFL. First move, install Snoop Dogg as head of football operations.
» Feed the needy. There is around 2 million homeless people in
the United States, depending where you get your numbers from. We would
shell out the $52 million and buy each of them a $26 hot dog. Thanks,
The power of the unibrow compels you
Kentucky’s Anthony Davis is the best player in the country. Hands down. Still, we were wondering if that massive streamline of hair somewhere above his eyes and below his forehead is the secret to his success, like the Bible’s Sansom and his long locks.
It’s worth exploring. If we were Louisville coach Rick Pitino, we would put a bounty on it or offer a cash reward for someone to shave it off.
Luckiest high school kid in the world
We can count on one hand the number of hot teachers we had growing up. There was the kind of attractive 40-something in fourth-grade, just when we first started noticing these things. And the art teacher that we thought moonlighted as a model in high school.
Both were married. Not that they would talk to us anyway. So why couldn’t we grow up in Cincinnati?
Sarah Jones, the captain of the Bengals cheer squad, could get up to five years in prison for allegedly having sex with a student. You see, Ms. Jones is also a former high school English teacher.
We’re not advocating sex with a minor here. Never would. However, do you think the kid in question — can we call him a victim? — is crying to his therapist about this tragic event? Actually, maybe he is. Because there’s absolutely no chance he can watch Bengals games the same way ever again.
Return of the Black Mamba
Fact. Kobe Bryant will go down as the second-greatest guard to play basketball.
Fact. Kobe Bryant will always have people that hate him and criticize his every move.
Fact. Kobe Bryant doesn’t care.
Bryant, who was controversially benched last week in the guts of the game, lashed out this week against those who are counting his Lakers out. The Black Mamba called the haters challenged … “mentally challenged.” For the record, Los Angeles is the No 3 seed in the Western Conference.
“Anybody who counts us out is challenged,” Bryant told NBA.com. “They’re mentally challenged. Am I happy with how we play every single night? Of course not. But I’m content with where we are overall and where I think we can go.
“Let them doubt all they want. That’s the way it always is. People talk and doubt and criticize all the way up until you win a championship, then it’s: ‘Oh, I knew it all the time.’ That’s just how it is.”