The NFL Draft is finally here. Message boards are a-buzz. Chat rooms are filled to capacity. Mel Kiper Jr. just bought Walgreen’s out of hair gel.
Since this is a time to celebrate extremely talented youngsters, we figured we would cross-over into the wonderful world of actresses and models. So we ranked the top young females in the game with their NFL draft equivalents.
Note: Our ratings take into account looks, acting/music ability, age
NFL Draft equivalent: Robert Griffin III
Our take: If her video game commercials are any indication, the sky’s the limit. She just ran into someone — Rihanna — that is more polished having run a pro-style offense for so long.
NFL Draft equivalent: Dontari Poe
Our take: She killed the combine, but probably should have stayed in school one more year. She also loses major points for dating Justin Bieber.
NFL Draft equivalent: Whitney Mercilus
Our take: The British accent makes her versatile, like a defensive lineman that can play inside/outside. If you can get past those Harry Potter movies, she is certainly a high-riser.
NFL Draft equivalent: Andrew Luck
Our take: She can sing. She can dance. And she’s due to make her major acting debut next month. Rihanna can spin your franchise’s fortunes around on her umbrella … ella, ella.
NFL Draft equivalent: Brandon Weeden
Our take: We hate “New Girl.” But we love “Elf.” There is no question
Zooey has talent but if you’re trying to re-build a franchise, you don’t
draft a 29-year-old.
NFL Draft equivalent: Janoris Jenkins
Our take: LiLo might be the best overall prospect in the entire draft, but a history of drug-related and off-the-field issues make her high risk. Could really thrive in the right system, with right coach.
Canton, get the Tebow bronze bust ready
Just when you thought the Tim Tebow hype train couldn’t get any bigger or go any faster, along comes the NFL Network to push it forward on the tracks.
That’s right, Philly-based NFL Films — one of the most revered media outlets for all things NFL — debuted Top 10 Heisman Trophy Winners this past week on the NFL Network. The list, according to them, ranks the Heisman winners on what they’ve accomplished in Roger Goodell’s league, NOT what they did in college. Anyway, Timmy came in at a shocking No. 7 — a full spot ahead of Hall-of-Famer Earl Campbell and two above Hall-of-Famer Marcus Allen.
Look, we’re not Tebow haters. In fact, we wish the kid the best. But one playoff win, even if it was over the Steelers, doesn’t earn you a bronze bust in Canton. Some interesting names left off the list: Bo Jackson, Herschel Walker, Jim Plunkett, Tim Brown.
So you’re the GM in an all-time draft, are you taking Tebow over any of those guys? We aren’t. Not even in a fantasy draft.
Jamie being Jamie
Jamie Moyer recently became the oldest pitcher to win a game in the big leagues. Quite impressive, especially considering his fastball tops out at 78 mph. With that info in mind, we take you to Fort Myers, where the the Class-A affiliate of the Minnesota Twins held a contest to see if a fan could throw harder than the 49-year-old Moyer.
Eighty-five fans took the mound. The closest anyone got was 76 mph.
What’s that they say about respecting your elders?
Here are some contests we’d like to see in the near future:
1. Elbow-throwing with Metta World Peace
2. Fastest sermon contest with Tim Tebow
3. Pin the Tail on the Donkey with Antonio Cromartie (think about it)
A more perfect Union at Heat games
Miami Heat super-fan, and the hottest home-wrecker in NBA history, Gabrielle Union, has been banned from sitting courtside by her boyfriend Dwyane Wade.
Turns out, Union — you probably best remember her work from the classic flick “Bring It On” – is a world-class heckler. Union told Conan O’Brien that told a ref to “get his Viagra” and punked several opposing players about their weight.
Since we’ve always had a thing for Union, we’ll allow it. In fact, we think this just might trump Gisele sticking up for Brady after the Super Bowl.