Cat people, dog people, reptile people, bug people and bird people have one thing in common: they can all be a little (or a lot) crazy when it comes to their pets.
They assign them human qualities, coddle them like children and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on goods and services in an attempt to make them happy when, most likely, all they want to do is play around, sniff butts, eat, sleep and poop, with the occasional back-rub or head-scratch thrown in.
On the other hand, you have people that hate animals, or at the very least despise the pet-people who care for them the most enthusiastically. Threatening to smear homes with feces or poison dogs with DDT, they also share commonalities with the pet people.
They’re all fucking insane. And they seem to really like Craigslist.
nan·ny
noun
A person, usually with special training, employed to care for children in a household. Children!!
And then there’s this whole pet portrait thing, which, contrary to almost all of the ads, would NOT make a great gift.
I mean, my mom didn’t have professional portraits of me taken when I was young (certainly none that were airbrushed). And I am a human.
I would say there’s no such thing as a classic pet portrait because 20 years ago, who the hell was that indulgent? Also: I would love to see these “looks” and “scenarios.” Especially if the pet is, say, a reticulated python.
Here’s a pet nanny who also likes pet portraits! (Okay, she’s an animal behavioralist. The pictures are still creepy as hell).
Customized dog tags that look like HUMAN ID cards. See a theme here?
And of course the same demographic would send their dogs to summer camp!
And have them chauffeured by private taxi.
Why not let them unwind for the weekend at a bed and breakfast – I’m sorry, barks and breakfast?
A guinea pig is a rodent. Rodents live on subway tracks and eat crumbs. How much love and attention does one really need?
How can a turtle be loving?
Ditto for a “lovable” snake.
In the same vein, how can a cat be talkative?
I don’t get it. Would you want to sleep in a bed that looked like a human head?
And I don’t care how fancy your special pigeons are. I’m not paying money for birds I see flocks of on the daily eating garbage off the pavement.
Coming from an agency that is desperate to rehome pets, I don’t consider this a rousing endorsement.
As I said, animal people can be crazy …
But the animal-haters are just as nuts.
Just like with most things in life – and on Craigslist especially – in the end, nobody wins.
And this is why, if animals had intellect, they’d get together and kill us all, Pet Semetary-style.
